Again, this is a journal entry for Module 3 of Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy Training.
I am the honored one
and the scorned one.
I am the whore, and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter....
I am she whose wedding is great,
and I have not taken a husband....
I am knowledge, and ignorance.
Thunder, Perfect Mind, Gnostic poem, 100 A.D.
Sophia, by Alex Gray
Yesterday morning I was reading articles on a website from Jaap van der Wal an embryologist from the Netherlands. (If you ever have some time and have a curiosity about the development of a human... not just our physical body... read this website, fascinating). He mentioned the "gestures" humans go through in life, the shifts we all go through from before conception to death. He says that all of these gestures are like deaths. For instance we die being in utero when we are born into the world. Our infancy dies when we become toddlers, childhood dies to emerge as an adolescent, and so on... These gestures make us human. I was happily reading for a while then hopped into the car to go to school. While driving it hit me like a TON of bricks. THATS IT! EUREKA! I realized that I have not been able to "grieve" the death of Leilani my baby into Leilani the toddler, or the pregnancy to new baby, or from having one child to having 2. It all happened so fast with difficult nursing and no sleep thrown in for fun. I was thrown into this without the knowledge of how the sort it all out.
I am also dealing with feelings (that I have known about) that I don't believe belong to me. I feel like they could be my maternal Grandmother's or Greatgrandmother's. I am deathly afraid of getting pregnant with a third child. It has become a phobia almost. I can't imagine how I would feel if I got pregenat with a third child. Its weird, I loved being pregnant, and giving birth, but I just can't do it again. I feel like I do not own this feeling. My maternal Grandmother had 3 children in 3 years. They are all 11 months apart. I don't believe that was her choice. She ended up having a nervous breakdown during her 3rd pregnancy (or shortly after, can't remember) and never really handled having 3 kids very well. I am sure part of my feeling comes from just knowning her story, but there is part of me that feels like maybe I have an actual echo of her story in my physical body, passed on from my own mother.
SO, now that I know all this info what on earth do I do with it? I asked John, and he said I should continue getting sessions as well as talking to someone, and in this case it will be Carrie Contey (since this is her specialty) she just so happens to be in my Craniosacral class too.
One more interesting story from yesterday. GB Khalsa, a local midwife is in my Craniosacral class as well, and was kind enough to bring a placenta to class yesterday. It is a few days old, from her last birth. Since we had started learning about embryology, she thought this would be an amazing addition, it was. I was standing watching her talk about it and show each part. At first I felt fine, and was interested in every detail, then all of a sudden I couldn't take it any more. I turned around and immediately laid down on my massage table face down. My heart ached so bad and I was having a cramp (very similar to menstrual cramps) in my pelvis. My heart was beating out of my chest. I just laid there with tears rolling out of my eyes trying to use "Body, low, slow, loop" to come out of this. I have no doubt that seeing that placenta just set off the same feelings agin, maybe even more intensely. There is no organ in the body that symbolizes the bond between baby and mother like that of the placenta. whew. I feel just fine this morning, but I am looking forward to talking to Carrie about it all.
See I told you it was TMI. :) Thanks for reading. :)